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My heart hurts.

Break ups are some of the worst things. Ever.

I am still not convinced that it's over. I am not giving up.

I haven't had a good long cry about it yet, though. Except in the midst of all that happened that night. I do have a constant upset stomach and I feel like I am going to throw up about 24 hours of the day.

Everything is just so confusing. I love him so much and it is very painful.

Jun. 11th, 2009

If you were really my best friend like you said you were, you would have been at the hospital when i had my accident. Or at least you would have done more than a message on myspace a week later saying, "Hope you feel better." Cody and Sarah weren't even in town. They couldn't do ANYTHING. You could have come to see me when I couldn't get out of bed.

You wouldn't have used my top two insecurities against me. I am sure that you thought it was your right, and technically it was, but that isn't what "best friends" do. You wouldn't name drop the biggest regret of my life every chance you got, reminding me that he is still a big part of your life and you wouldn't say things like, "If only I was in town that spring break. I could have stopped you." You weren't. You didn't.

You would be here for me right now. Because I need a friend more than anything right now. I've lost all my grip on reality. This medicine has made me feel completely numb and I don't know why, but I don't feel like things really have a purpose anymore.

But you wouldn't know that. You wouldn't know ANY of that.

FUCK you, pavement.

So, in case you didn't hear, Friday night around 7:00 PM, I was standing in front of a friend's house. All of a sudden, out of no where, I started feeling that dizzy feeling again. The next thing i know, I am on the ground and being carried into the bed room.

Long story short, I busted my head open.

I went to the hospital with my family and stayed there for almost seven hours. The doctor doing my cat scan mentioned a clot in my lungs? They never brought that up again, though?

I am feeling a lot better today, though. But my stomach is still upset.

But, happy Mother's Day, momzzz!



Why haven't you read NANA!?

You need to! D: Things are getting very good.


So apparently....

My doctor thinks I had a seizure? What the hell?

I got blood taken today. And I was very excited because I thought that you were supossed to eat a big, big meal before you got your blood taken. But no. Apparently this was a FASTING blood test? What are those? I didn't know they existed.

Anyways, i got myself all psyched out for all this pain and it didn't hurt barely at all. It just stings. I remember it hurting so bad! Wattt.

Anyways, here's some pictures for you to enjoy.Collapse )

The scariest moment of my life ever. Ever.

So I had a really great yesterday. Daniela and Dillon picked me up and we went to Hobby lobby and Nam Hai. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I ate some candy that I normally eat from Nam Hai and drank the Ramune that I have had a million times. I just knitted all night.

The weather started to act crazy and they started talking about tornadoes, but I really don't think that is why this happened. I started to pick up my trash and get my stuff together.

All of sudden, i started to feel SUPER dizzy and nautious. I assumed I was going to get sick, so I ran into the bathroom. I didn't even make it to the toilet before I collasped. I don't know if I fell asleep or if I passed out, but it wasn't for long. Three minutes top.

Daniela started knocking on the bathroom door and I felt so embarassed that I stood up really fast and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked completely pale white. I needed to lie down, so Daniela led me into her bedroom.

I started shaking and I couldn't breath. I felt like I was drowning. Dillon came back with a wet rag and Daniela had gotten me a bag to breath into. My eyes were rolled back into my head, apparently, and Daniela had to hold down my other arm.

After that they told me that I had had a panic attack or a seizure. Then they took me home.

I seriously felt like I was going to die. Honestly. I didn't know what was happening.
Like we'd torn our lives from the pages of some girly magazine."

Life has been a little differnt these past few weeks!

It's been refreshing and very nice.

Except a guy I went out with a long time ago died. It's not weird that it was HIM that died, but it is weird that someone I have pictures with where we are hugging and stuff is dead.

It was quite a long time ago. Buut, still.

"And these years have seen so many imitations turning green.
Each like the last, they go right past like credits on a screen.
But your memory blazes through me, burning everything like gasoline."

I might have to quit my job.

This is one of the most unfair things I have had to do.

So, everyone knows how hard I work at my job. I work all the time and I always give my 100%. I have given up events because I had to work and, honestly, I seriously love my job. I learn so much from it everyday and It has made me who I am. There are all these people I talk to that have worked at Hot Topic as long as I have and complain about how "They don't feel like they can ever leave" and "it's a huge trap". But, I have never once felt like that.

Last May I got promoted and I have learned so much since then. I've worked my ass off and never complained about it.

Well, yesterday my manager Dana told me that there is this store manager from Texas who's partner is dying from cancer and she is moving here to be with her family. Which means she is getting demoted to part-time assistant manager (the step above of what I am) and taking my job, basically.

They want to move me to Promanade. Which, not only is a pretty unsafe mall, it is super far away from my house. I can't drive. And even if I started driving tomorrow, I couldn't drive there by myself at the end of the month.

So, my choices are:

1. Move to Promanade.
2. Get demoted and stay at Woodland. Meaning I would lose money and all my hours.
3. Quit.

That's it.

It's not 100% final yet. But...It's so upsetting that there is nothing I can do. NOTHING.


I found the outfit that I am wearing on the ~*FATEFUL*~ night! I will post pictures as soon as the outfits are uploaded onto Forever 21's site.

In other news, I made two mix CD's.
Behold!Collapse )

Now I am decorating my room!

I WILL go Christian Bale on you!


Anyways, besides that...

This past week was a good one! Since I have started losing weight, I have lost nine pounds! Which is pretty awesome. I only need to lose six more pounds until I am as skinny as I was when I was at my skinniest. Which means I can finally fit into my old clothes that I miss very much. Just have to keep working hard! NO KUP KAKZ!

So, Amanda squared party is this weekend! I am very excited, if Amanda doesn't die from stress from now until then!